Coffee Shop Spat

I had a public outburst.  Quiet ole me, got into a public argument with a someone I did not know.

He accused me of cutting him in the line at a coffee shop.  After taking the order of the person in front of me, the girl at the register, immediately asked me for my order.  Out of nowhere, I hear a loud aggressive voice saying, “Its my turn, I was behind her”.  Now honestly, I am passive and I avoid any confrontation.  Its not me. In fact my initial response was that I was sorry.

My apology didn’t mean much, he looked down at me and continued to tell me that he was standing behind the woman who was in front of me.  I guess you can say I lost it.  I pointed to where he was standing, and told him that no, he was not standing in front me or behind the woman who was ahead of me.  He was actually standing where you would pick up your drink, which is not on the line.  He continued on, trying to get me to engage in this disagreement, saying things I can’t remember because I was so irritated and annoyed with him.  I had another outburst, telling him to “just order, you wanted to order, so order”.

At first I was shocked, because it was so unlike me, and it scared me a little.  Then I was embarrassed, because there were people in the shop. However, I realized they were on my side.  None of them thought he was on the line.  So I started to feel good about myself.

Conflicting feelings continued.  As I walked to the subway, I started to feel bad because he was an older gentlemen.  Not real old, but a older gentlemen nonetheless, and I always speak to older people with a level of respect.  When I finally got on a train, I realized I did something I rarely do, I stood up for myself.  If I hadn’t spoken back, he would of continued to ridicule me in front of the very patrons I was initially embarrassed about.

It wasn’t until later in the day, I remembered my resolution about standing up for myself.  I didn’t have to force it, didn’t rehearse for it, It was spontaneous, and maybe that was why I was initially surprised by it.  For some, this might seem like nothing, but for this gal its quite a big deal.  I spoke up, I fought back.  It felt good.

To The New Year

We all make resolutions for the new year as it approaches, even when we say we don’t.  We may not voice them out lout, but most of us have them, even if we don’t call them resolutions.  Whether written, or said verbally, we reflect on the year that is coming to a close.  There were moments you look back on smile, moments you look back on and wish your could change.  You reflect on yourself, your family, friends, and your relationships.  You look back, and then you look ahead.

Its hard to not understand the excitement.  Whatever 2014 was to many of us, we are looking towards something greater and more fulfilling.  We are either looking forward to continuing with the achievements we’ve made, or improve on our disappointments.  So beyond the parties, and celebrations, what also makes the New Year exciting is optimism.

My resolutions this is year includes working on my disappointment.  I had a quite a few interviews, but no job offer.  Being contacted for a job interview is the first step towards landing the job, so I’m not going to change what I’ve been doing as far as getting my resume out, unless it improves the chances of my resume being noticed and selected.  I’m hoping to get more interviews because I do believe I’m gotten better with each one.

I thought about leaving my current job even though I don’t have another lined up.  I’ve thought hard and long about this, and I’m just not uncomfortable with any decision right now.  To keep it simple, I’m still thinking about it.

I use to think I was loner, and that I enjoyed being a loner.  Maybe I did for awhile, but I learned in 2014, that maybe I wasn’t a loner, maybe that I was just afraid.  I don’t make friends easily, and the friends I do have, I’ve known most of my life.  However, they are all scattered now, and the idea of making new friends intimidates me.  Toward the end of the year, I’ve become more open.  I small talk when someone tries to engage me while on line in a store or looking at a item, and I’ve started talking to coworkers I’ve never had a conversation with.   Its progress I hope to continue into the new year.

I don’t consider myself a hoarder, but I have a hard time letting things go.  Jeans and other clothing from my heavier days, high school and college papers, college acceptance and rejection letters and my prom dress hangs in my closet as if it was recently worn.  At least it is in the back of the closet.  I intend to do a lot of throwing away in the coming weeks.

I’m also going to be more deliberate about speaking up for myself.  I’m not going to bring passive with me into the New Year.  I’m also going to do more things by myself, rather than not do them because I thought I would be out of place being alone.

These are my resolutions.  Nothing grand, just realistic and simple enough for me.

So here’s to 2015.  Like many tonight, I’m riding the wave of optimism.