Fears and Anxieties

The Prompt States:

We all have anxieties, worries, and fears. What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears.

One of my biggest fears is that I will never reach my full potential.  I fear that I will never know what I am capable of.  I am afraid that I will always be too afraid to take chances.  I’m afraid that any chances I take will result in a negative outcome.  I am afraid that all of my fears and anxiety will lead to life where I constantly wonder, “what if?”.

Many people tackle the life with exuberance.  No matter how daunting a task or how the odds are stacked against them, they are always positive and up beat. I on the other hand, tackle everything with apprehension.  I’ve told friends that my problem is that I think too much.  I start thinking about how many ways things could go wrong.  Never considering that they could right.

These anxieties and fears have always been with me most of my life.  I’ve always been this way.  Now that I’m getting older, my biggest fear is that my fear is holding me back, and will continue to hold me back.

I watch as so many of my peers make strides in their lives.  I’m excited and happy for them.  However, it leads me back to myself.  “What about you”, I’ll ask myself.  Then my inner debates start.  There is never a clear winner.  It can be argued that my fear wins every time, I choose to not make a decision.  I’ve acknowledge that, but I’ve chosen to ignore that thought.

I know what I want, and fear keeps me from going after it. These fears keep me in place.  In exactly the same place, exactly as I am.  And that is my biggest fear.  I don’t want to be in the same place.

Serially Found: Me

Its an going journey, but I’m learning more about myself every day.  I’m also learning to be okay and accept what I’m learning about myself.

The High School years, I was who I was.  A shy, introverted girl.  I did what I was told, rarely said no, rarely spoke back. The College years, I was still that same girl.  Only this time, I was questioning myself.  My friends were going to cool parties, joining and starting clubs.  I didn’t have those motivations.  I turned down party invites. They didn’t intrigue me.  Joining groups were intimidating to me.  It seemed like all my friends had no problem making new friends.  I on the other hand, had no problem meeting new people, but never really develop new friendships.  “What was wrong with me,”  I’d ask myself.

I eventually took a leap and stepped out.  I went to a volunteer session, made a few friends, but the friendships only lasted a semester, but I made the effort.  Navigating some of these situations were hard because I was so out of my element.  I did them because I felt that they were things I should be doing.  All my friends were having these unique college experiences, and I should be having the same.

The biggest lesson that I learned in my quest to be a normal college student, was that I am what I am, and there was nothing wrong with that.  I didn’t enjoy some of the things I was doing and found myself miserable.  I was happy being myself, than attempting to be something I was not.

I am still very introverted.  I prefer reading at home versus partying all weekend.  It doesn’t mean that I won’t go to a party every now and then.  It means when I go to a party, I go because I want to be there and not because I think I should be there. I have been taken advantage , but in it, I’ve learned to speak for myself.

I wouldn’t say I was lost, but I had no idea who I was.  It is hard to know who you are when you are living for someone or something other than yourself.  I’m still learning, understanding, and even getting to know myself, but I’ve accepted who I am.

Give and Take

My sister and I, we’re not very much alike.  I’m going to make this clear.  I love my sister, and we have a great relationship.  We are though, very different.  Those differences don’t impact our relationship negatively.  They are what make our relationship.  I can’t imagine what it would be like if we were more alike.  In fact, I’ve never given it thought.  We are who we are, and that is what makes us  who we are.

My sister is very social.  I’m not social.

My sister flourishes is social situations.  I’m overwhelmed.

My sister takes chances.  I prefer to play it safe.

My sister always has a smile on her face.  I wear my emotions on face even if I never say it out loud.

My sister spends her doing fun things like movies, concerts, dinners.  I prefer a quiet night at home with a book.

My sister is very fashion forward.  I’m more conservative in my fashion.  Preferring comfort over style.

My sister was a good student.  I was an okay student.  I had to work really hard for my Bs.

My sister easily makes friend.  I have a hard time making friends and starting new relationships.

My sister is street smart.  I’m not as hip to the street, but I’m not far behind.

I often look at my sister awe.  I wish I could do some of things she does.  I often wish I could be the person striking up conversation at the party, who knows everyone’s name, their kid’s name.  I’m not that person.  I’ve tried to be that person, and I’ve realize its just not me.  I’ve accepted that, and I’m always working becoming the best me.

Often, my sister has to carry the load because she knows there are just some things I’m never going to do on my own.  She happily does it, with no animosity on her part. She’s also encouraged me and pushed when I talk myself out of things out of fear.

We balance each other.  I have the ability to reel her back in and she pushes me.

Writing 101- Day 7 Give and Take

Prompt: Write a post based on the contrast between two people, objects, emotions, places or something else.

Character Building Experience

Today’s Prompt: Who’s the most interesting person (or people) you’ve met this year?

In my work, I interact with countless people every day.  People from every age group, gender, sexual orientation and racial demographics.   Its probably one of my favorite things about my job.  I get to interact with people I likely would not have interacted.  What I’ve realized is, there are so many interesting stories out there, from every day people.  We wouldn’t know because so many of us have our head phones on, and are focus soley on our phone.

I can’t pinpoint any one person who I would describe as the most interesting person I’ve met so far this year because I have met so many interesting people.  Each with a story that is unique to them.

I think the  special needs teachers and their teacher’s aide  who come in my job every few weeks are interesting.  They have a hard job, and I’ve never them frustrated or angry.  I love watching them interact wit their students.  I love how they encourage them, giving them confidence to be independent.  Eventually, developing a relationship with the rest of the staff.

I think the nannies who come into my work place are interesting.  Many of them have the same stories yet the very different.  Women from the third  world working for a better life in America.  I like hearing the stories about their country, and what led them here.  I also enjoy the relationship they have with their young charges.  All them similar yet so different.

I meet new people every day.  I can’t get to know each person intimately, but we can all spend just few minutes talking to each other.  You would be surprise what can happen with a “how are you today?”

Note From A Book

“Donations” one sign read, “Trash” read the other.

I look at the bins, filled to capacity. The local library was having a drive for book donations where books would be donated to schools and libraries in third world countries. I don’t like the idea of throwing looks out, but we shouldn’t give what we wouldn’t accept for ourselves.

As I continue deciding whether books will donated or trashed, a note on a short orange sheet of paper slipped from a book.

Gordie,

It was wonderful to see you and the family. It made everyone so happy to see you and the family. Oh how the kids have grown. Tell Robbie he is more than his grades, and tell Josie she’s the brightest start. I’m here any time you guys need a ear.

Love,

Phylis

 

This was was in response to writing 101 prompt: Be Brief

Lost

The fourth assignment in the Writing 101 course asks:

Today’s Prompt: Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.

I wanted to write about something else, maybe something serious or not so serious, but something on a lighter note.  Then I realize, Its been nearly a year.  A year since my grandpa passed.  A year since I woke up to tears and someone attempting CPR.  Its hard to believe its been a year since our family saw them wheel his body out of our home.

I relive that day in my head often.  I know its was beyond my control, but I can’t help the what ifs.  Especially because that day wasn’t a normal day for me.  What if it had been an normal day for me?  Probably wouldn’t have made a difference, but I can’t help but wonder.

I can’t help but think about the last few days before he passed.  We celebrated his birthday, and looking back, wonder if he knew that it might be his last one with us. I remember how he was ready to do anything I needed, even as his health wasn’t good.  It is one of my last memories of him.

My gramps was selfless.  He would go above and beyond for anyone who needed his help.  There was no minimum effort when he decided he was going to help.  He always putting his best foot forward.

What do I miss the most?  The laughs, the jokes, the stories, his bluntness, and his raw honesty.  He had a knack for saying what most people were thinking, but afraid to say.  He would spit it out, causing everyone to laugh.  And there goes the awkwardness.

I miss the little talks.  In a big family, these moments could be hard to come by, but we would have them whenever the opportunity presented itself.  They weren’t all serious, and they weren’t all fun.  Sometimes, they were about mundane things, but it wasn’t about the actual talks.  It was about us, together.  Creating memories, without realizing it.

Three Songs

Today’s Prompt ask that we write about the three most important songs in your life – and what they mean to you.

My first response was only three? And just how important were some of my favorite songs to me?  I love music.  I love all kinds of music.  I have always been a fan of the lite FM stations, and went to sleep with them often during my younger years, at a time when my taste for music included Backstreet Boys, NSync, Destiny’s Child, and nearly any rap group from that time. That is  why it is so hard to pick three songs.

At a time when I was loving boy bands, I was also falling in love with Elton John, Fleetwood Mac, Madonna, Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Stevie Wonder, Aerosmith, and I could go on and on.  My taste knows no limit to genre and time period.

I think I can smile and cry when I hear What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong.  The man, the voice, the lyrics, whats there not to love.  I love that this is the view from many windows in many neighborhoods around the world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
But they’re really saying is I love you.

I’m not sure about the first song I ever from Fleetwood Mac.  I think it was Dreams, and loved it almost as soon as we I heard it.  However, Landslide turned out to be absolute favorite.  It used to be just another song I would hear on the radio, but as I was growing and changing, it wasn’t just another song on the radio.

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

The prompt asked for three, and as I said it was hard to choose because I love music.  This was a toss up between songs from two of my favorite movies, The Bodyguard and the Titanic.  I loved both movies, and both soundtracks.   For this assignment, I will choose I Will Always Love You.  This  is an amazing love song, and the vocals are such that many have tried and fail to emulate it.

Bittersweet memories
That is all I’m taking with me
So, goodbye
Please, don’t cry
We both know I’m not what you, you need

Music means different things for different people.  It can mean different things just based on where you in your life.  I found this assignment to be a challenging because as I listen to music, I’ve never really thought about how certain songs have impacted life.  There are songs that have more of a place in my memory, but I’ve never thought about how they may or may not have impacted me.

A Room With a View

There is so much going inside, and there is so much going outside.  Typically, I ignore what  is going inside because I’m so caught up with whats going out there.  Even when nothing specifically is going on.  The people, coming and going, the noise, the constant of something no matter how mundane, occurring.  There’s apart of me, that can’t wait to join the commotion of the busy folks.

I eventually join them, the thrill of being free only last so long.  The constant rush of the people gets to me, the noise overwhelming, and I wish I were somewhere else.  Even for just a short period of time.

In mind, I would be in place where things slow down.  Maybe in a cabin somewhere in the woods, maybe the desert, maybe a tropical paradise.  Somewhere life is slow and simple, and where we can leave our responsibilities behind.  Some place where people greet you in the mornings with warm smiles, know your coming and goings, but ultimately leave you alone.  Some place where the lake or the beach are a short walk away.  Some place where I can see the stars in the sky.  Some place I can sleep outdoors, and watch the sun rise in the morning.

This place would be always be there when I need it.  That why I can zoom back and forth between reality and my haven away from it.

 

Day Two: A Room with a View

Today’s Prompt: If you could zoom through space in the speed of light, what place would you go to right now?

 

Unlock The Mind

I have signed up for another blogging course.  So for the next few weeks, I will be responding the prompts delivered to my inbox.  Maybe I will publish them here, maybe I won’t.  Nothing wrong with keeping an open mind. No pressure.

The first prompt:

To get started, let’s loosen up. Let’s unlock the mind. Today, take twenty minutes to free write. And don’t think about what you’ll write. Just write.

It always seems like the most challenging assignments are the ones where you are told where you have free reign to do what you want.

I recently came across a old journal a few weeks ago.  I kept many journals as a kid.  I was never the most social kid. In fact, I wasn’t very social at all, and wasn’t one to to strike up conversation.  I was very shy, introverted, and I was only comfortable having any kind of relationship with a few people.  Most of whom are still some of my closest friends.

From the journal, I notice that my handwriting was a clue to how I was feeling.  I didn’t write in cursive at all in this journal, which I thought was interesting because I only wrote in print when I knew someone else would be seeing my work (ie. homework, group work, etc.).  When I wrote for myself, I typically wrote in cursive.  At least I thought I did.

If the writing was neat, I was either writing from a good place or I was sad.  If it was not neat, seemingly rushed or sloppy, the writing showed that I was angry.  The fact that my handwriting was neat when things where good, and when I was sad, tells me that I put a lot of thought in what I was writing.  The sloppy handwriting,  indicates that I was writing on raw emotion.

In this journal, which was from my Middle School days, I was angry or sad often.  There weren’t many entries where I was just content, where I wrote because something cool or interesting happened.  My sad and angry entries far outnumbered those.  Even though I no longer keep a journal, somethings have not changed.  I’m not the yelling and screaming type, but doors get slammed, books are thrown, I may break something and I’ll likely regret it later.  When I’m hit with the blues, I’m more contemplative and thoughtful.  I prefer to just be alone with my thoughts.  When I’m ready, I send my best friend a long email or a extra long text.  My friend and I go back and forth through messages.  I find it therapeutic.

One of the things that surprised me, was how honest I was.  Not about what I did or didn’t do, but about my feelings.  I wonder if I really had issues expressing how I was feeling, or I was afraid to express it at the time.  Maybe I just needed to do it in away where I was comfortable.  Where I felt safe.   Even now, I only feel comfortable expressing myself to a few people.

It was interesting to go back and read over my journal.  Its not like reading old class papers, where I find myself, laughing at my younger self.  It was real look into who I was, and what I was feeling, expressing myself in place where I felt safe to do so.

Its a Text, Text, Text, Text, Text World

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “It’s a Text, Text, Text, Text World.”

How do you communicate differently online than in person, if at all? How do you communicate emotion and intent in a purely written medium?

I think its becoming clear that the preferred method of communication for many people is online.  Whether its through twitter, emails, Facebook, or other social media outlets, people find communicating through these gateways easier, especially for those who find social situations intimidating.

The problem with communicating online is that it makes so many things impersonal, and it clouds who we are and the kind of relationship we may have with people. I have known people who started up a relationship online, and when they finally have nothing to say to each other, and find it harder to connect in person.

Online, we can be who ever we want to be, and say whatever we want to say, because its easier, and the anonymity sometimes makes us safe.  However, in our regular, face to face interactions, we offer nothing.  So who are you really?

Personally, I know I am a little bit more honest about my feelings online. Not just online, but in text messages.  I think before I hit send because emotion is so hard to communicate through text. There are very few people who would caught on to how I’m feeling without having spelling it all out.  And if your having a conversation with someone, you want them to know how you feel.

Emotion is hard to communicate in a purely written forum.  But maybe its good that we have to spell it out?