Goodbye September

It came and went so fast.

Today actually feels like a Fall day.  I was still wearing a tank top early this week.  I’m sure the weather will become consistent soon.

Fall always signifies change for me.  Maybe its because I’m an October baby.  Maybe its because for most of my life, I’ve always associated fall with new beginnings, likely because its the time we were going back to school.  From elementary to college, fall came with excitement, new goals and new challenges.

So this time around it really isn’t very different.  I’m hoping that this season is the start of some great things.

Not Failing

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Must Not Fail.”  What is the one thing at which you are the most afraid of failing?

I’m sure everyone has their own definition of failure.  For me, I’m most afraid of failing myself.  I’m not talking about a list of things I want to accomplish.  I’m talking about not making the attempt, not even trying.  I’d rather try and fall, than cowardly not try at all. At least, I could look at myself in the mirror, and know I gave it my best shot. I do not see that as failure.

I’m most afraid that I will allow my fear of failure to lead me  down a path where I do not take the risks necessary to get the answers to the questions I need.  Do things work out the way I want, or do they not?  It is a real fear, but what is worse, is never knowing. We all have expectations of ourselves, and goals.  Some we voice, some we don’t.  Its there in all of us.  When I can look at myself, and be satisfied, I know that I have not failed myself.

Out of Reach

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Out of Reach.”

Write about the one X that got away — a person, an experience, a place you wanted to visit. How much would you change about your life to have it within reach again?

Sometimes I find myself in a state where I second guess every decision I every made. I sometimes I find myself second guessing the college I chose, and second guessing the major I chose. Now, I’m not sure how I came to those decision, so I’m just left wondering. I also find myself wishing I had told a guy I like how I feel about him after finally getting the opportunity to get to know him. I wish I had the courage back then, but to be honest, I don’t think I would of had the courage today. I sometimes wonder about the guys who I didn’t give a chance. I had my reasons, but maybe while nothing would of come from anything with these guys, maybe I would of gained some knew friends. I guess I’ll never know.

I see my decision to not study abroad as a missed opportunity. One that will always bother me. I was on pace to graduate a semester later than expected. It was disappointing, so I bypassed the opportunity focusing entirely on finishing school. In hindsight, I should of just went for it. After all, I was already on pace to graduate school later than expected, so I should of for it. There was nothing to lose, but in my mind there was. The only thing I lost was very good opportunity to experience something amazing.

I’m also a different person now than when I made those decisions. What if I were more confident, and more sure of myself, maybe I would of made the decisions that scared me, rather than let it get away, leaving me to wonder “what if?”

The thing about missed opportunities is, you seldom get the same opportunity twice. If we all did, there would be no hesitation about the choices we would make. We now know the outcome of the choices we made, and the missed chances. This time it would be easy, versus the last when we were unsure. I think this why we do so much second guessing, and become nostalgic in our “if I had to do it over again” stories.

Even when I find myself second guessing myself, I remind myself that I made my decision. No matter how much it pains me and how much I regret it, it is in the past. There is nothing I could do now. So I try to leave those actions in the past. Chalk it up as an experience to learn from, and move forward.

Oh Nerves

I’ve never been good at social and group environments.  There are times when I’m able to blend in, not make myself noticeable.  That is usually a win for me.  A win because I attended, and did not find myself in any situations that take me out of my comfort zone.

Tonight I went to a social event.  It was rather small, and as soon as I realized how many of  us were there, I got fidgety.  When these groups are small, its not so easy to blend in.  At one point, we were asked to introduce ourselves.  Cue the nerves.

I have no idea why these situations make me so nervous.  What is so hard about saying my name dropping a few lines about myself.  Doesn’t sound like much, but  there I was completely nervous.  I kept noticing the number of people before me, and when it was finally my turn, you could hear the nervousness in my voice.

I was embarrassed.  Not because I couldn’t hide the nerves in my voice, but because I was nervous.  Period.  Nervous when I had nothing to really be nervous about .  Embarrassed because the circumstances were simple.  Embarrassed because I didn’t feel in control.  Embarrassed because I didn’t feel as I confident as I should have, and others in the room likely sensed it.

The thing is, its always been that way for me.  I can’t pinpoint when immature feelings of nerves started.  It has always been there and I can’t put a finger on what triggers it.  I just want to walk into a social situation easily, where I am not thinking so hard, and where I’m not over taken by unexplained nerves.

Monday Motivation

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We really are our harshest critics.  That is what I gathered as I read some of this book.  As I read it, I thought there is no way I could match up.  As I started writing my own essay, I criticized and analyze every line.

In the end, I remind myself that this is my own journey.   I can’t compare it to any one else.  We are all uniquely different, and special.  And so are our stories.

How Far For Someone You Love

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Take Me to the Moon.”

How far would you go for someone you love? How far would you want someone else to go for you?

I have always describe myself as loyal in all my relationships.  I don’t loiter in the middle.  When I’m in, I’m all in. I don’t give my trust and my love easily, so when I give it, I give it because there is no questions about how I feel.

Outside of breaking the law, I doubt there is anything I wouldn’t do for the ones I love.  I am a constant ear, and shoulder to lean on. I do it without thinking.

Sometimes I wonder about my own loyalty.  Because While I know there is very little within my power I wouldn’t do for the ones I love, how sure am I that they feel same.  Sometimes I think a bout reigning it in.  The thing about giving your love freely is how easy people take advantage.  They know there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for them, and rather than be thankful, and grateful, they exploit your love.

I think we are all willing to go as far as we can for the ones we love.  We just want the ones we love to do the same.