I’ve never been good at social and group environments. There are times when I’m able to blend in, not make myself noticeable. That is usually a win for me. A win because I attended, and did not find myself in any situations that take me out of my comfort zone.
Tonight I went to a social event. It was rather small, and as soon as I realized how many of us were there, I got fidgety. When these groups are small, its not so easy to blend in. At one point, we were asked to introduce ourselves. Cue the nerves.
I have no idea why these situations make me so nervous. What is so hard about saying my name dropping a few lines about myself. Doesn’t sound like much, but there I was completely nervous. I kept noticing the number of people before me, and when it was finally my turn, you could hear the nervousness in my voice.
I was embarrassed. Not because I couldn’t hide the nerves in my voice, but because I was nervous. Period. Nervous when I had nothing to really be nervous about . Embarrassed because the circumstances were simple. Embarrassed because I didn’t feel in control. Embarrassed because I didn’t feel as I confident as I should have, and others in the room likely sensed it.
The thing is, its always been that way for me. I can’t pinpoint when immature feelings of nerves started. It has always been there and I can’t put a finger on what triggers it. I just want to walk into a social situation easily, where I am not thinking so hard, and where I’m not over taken by unexplained nerves.