Feelings of sadness have been with me since the news broke yesterday.  I tried to go about the day, doing normal things. I even went into the city for a quick trip.  I couldn’t shake it.  I couldn’t shake it because I know what Parisians are feeling.  It was September 11, 2001 for us. The shock, the horror, the sadness, and trying to come to grips with what has happened.  Then the realization that things have changed.  Even though in the moment, you can’t pinpoint what those things are.

I can’t make sense of any of it.  The evil, and the loss of life.  I think of the people who were enjoying an evening at the restaurant, those who were enjoying their favorite sport, and those who were taking in a concert.  A normal Friday night for many.  Then I remembered those who went to work on that Tuesday in September fourteen years ago.  How they likely went into work, ready to tackle another day at work.  A normal Friday night, and a regular work day. What happened is just unimaginable.  The pain for the families, and loved ones, is almost too much for me to think about.

I wish I had something more profound to say.  So much sadness for the loss of life and fear for the world we’re living in.

What Is Her Story?

She comes in every day.

She sits at the same table in the cafe.

I wonder what her story is.

She has all her belongings with her.

She is homeless, I surmised.

I watch her closely.  Not because she’s suspicious, but because she is here every day.

I’m curious about her story, but know its rude to ask.

After a while, I see her approaching my desk.

She looks around, mumbling to herself before asking, “Do you have today’s paper?”

“Yes, there are all here”, I say as I point to the papers.

She takes them all and walk back to the cafe.

She never reads them, but I can see her talking to herself.

She gets up and walk back and forth a few times, all while talking herself, before finally returning the papers.

She does this again the next day.

And the days after.

How did she get to this point, I wondered.

Homeless, on her own, and possibly suffering from mental illness.

Possibilities run through my head but  I’ll never know.

At the end of the night as the barista brings her left overs from the cafe, I can’t help but wonder what her story is.

Writing 101 Day 10: Let the scene write itself

Writing and Not Writing

I admire those who write for a living.  I know how hard it is to write when you have nothing to write, when your heart may not be fully in your writing, but yet you have to write.

I’m not a professional writer, and I don’t write for living.  I don’t have the pressures they may have.  I write because I enjoy it.  It fills a space within me.  I can write whenever I feel like it without having to answer to someone.

In college, I wrote papers on subjects I had little care for.  Some of them were really good papers, but I did not enjoy writing them.  There was very little of me in them, even as I wrote them.  So when I have to write versus wanting to write, I don’t find any enjoyment it.

When I am not writing, I’m usually reading someone else’s writing.  Either in the form of a book, no matter how ridiculous the plot or a blog.  Not only do I enjoy it, it can give me inspiration for my own writing.

Sometimes, having a blog, I find myself thinking of things to write about, but I try not to obsess about the next thing to write.  Blogging for me is suppose to be fun, an outlet to express myself.  I understand that some people take their blogging very seriously.  Right now, that isn’t me.

I think taking a break from anything is a good idea.  Its good to hit pause and reset on at certain times. Doing this allows for us to clear our minds, have new experience, and get gain further inspiration.

Writing 101 Day 9: What do you do when you’re not writing? How do you reset and return to this dashboard. The assignments also asks how you would structure you day to write if you had little time to write, and suddenly had extra time.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Or should I say mommy, or should I say mother.  I’d love to call you mom, but you and I both know that we don’t have that kind of relationship.  Do you want to share your reasons for why that is?  I would love for nothing more than to have a normal mother daughter relationship with you.  I wonder if you feel the same.

Things between us have always been tense haven’t they?  The crazy part is neither one of us knows why.  I can admit that I’ve held back when it comes to our relationship.  The reason for that is I don’t know what you would do if I did opened up.  My fear was that you would reject me, and  in some ways, it is still my fear.  Hence why we’ve gone on like we have.  You stay in your emotional corner and I stay in mine.

I often wonder if it eats at you the way it eats at me.  Seeing my friends with their mothers reminds me of the relationship we don’t have.  Do you feel the same way with your friends?  It would hurt to know that, that doesn’t bother you, because it hurts me.  Sometimes it seems you get along just fine, but I wonder, when your alone, do you ever just have a moment?

Its always bothered me that you’ve never been one for positive affection, but yet it is so easy for you to express your displeasure with me.  Do you know what does to me?  Not only does it my self esteem, it makes me wonder what you think of me.

Its hurts me that you have such a good relationship with sis.  It hurts because it is proof that you are capable of the relationship we don’t have.  I wonder if something happened when I was born, maybe undiagnosed postpartum depression, or an unwanted pregnancy.  I wonder about these things because I’m grasping for answers.

I do want you to know that I think you are a good mother.  As a single parent, you worked hard so that we could live in a decent neighborhood, we never went without anything, you encouraged us to be independent and were able to take advantage of opportunities that may come our way. Even with all the emotional toll, I do love and appreciate you.  Thank you.


Your Daughter

Writing 101 Day 8: Today, write your post as a letter.

Inspiration From Social Media

How many of us of are guilty?  I know I am.  I’ve mention previously about letting my fear influence my decisions.  It is hard for some of us to admit that our fear comes from lack of confidence and self esteem.  When we’re confronted about our reasons, we may respond with something vague, and generic.  Its hard to be honest with ourselves, and acknowledge out loud that our self esteem is shot.

I can give myself countless reasons why I should not do something before I come up with reasons why I should.  If I am firm about a decision, given enough time alone, I can talk myself out of it.   Where did this come from and where did this start?  I’m not exactly sure, in my mind, I’ve always been that way.

I was never “talked up” as a kid.  Never told how smart I was, or  anything to give my ego and confidence a boost.  If I did do something special, it wasn’t that special.  At least it wasn’t treated that way.  Admittedly, I spent a lot of time trying to please, but when the responses weren’t what I was expecting, my self esteem would take a hit.  I didn’t know it at the time of course, but those feelings of inadequacy would follow me.

It is hard to think about the opportunities I have bypassed because I didn’t think I had a chance.  Its hard to think about the chances I didn’t take because I assumed failure.  Its hard to admit that I’ve had mostly a defeatist attitude.  Its harder to admit how much it has influenced me.

The good news?  I’m working on all of it.  Its taken awhile, but I’ve made big steps and I’m working on me every day.  Have a I ran into unfavorable outcomes?  Sure, quite a few, but I didn’t let any potential outcome deter me.  I’ve done things I was afraid to do, like joining a gym, speaking in public, take up a leadership position when I need to, speaking up  and standing up for myself.  I do get anxious with anticipation, but I don’t run out of fear anymore.  I’m becoming my own kind of brave, and gaining confidence with each step I take.

Writing 101 Day 7: Today, write a response to one of these tweets. Shape your post in any way you choose — agree or disagree with the tweet, or use it as a starting point for a story, personal essay, poem, or something else. 

The assignment also gave the option of choose our own quote.

Where I Write

I do most of my writing in bedroom.  My desk sits near a window, but it isn’t much of a view.  No views of the New York City skyline, and no views of Central Park.  Just a few park cars, and the back of neighbors’ houses. The walls are thin, so I may or may not have quiet.  Sometimes I wonder how it is, that I do any writing here, but it’s my space.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always written in my bedroom. If it wasn’t at my desk, I wrote while I was in bed.  I’ve written in other places of course.  I’ve written in class, libraries, and even on the train, but I’ve never felt as comfortable as I do writing in my room.

My room isn’t all that special either.  There isn’t any great art on the walls.  No inspirational  quotes hanging or painted on the walls. Pictures of family and friends are framed. My love for books is apparent, even as I’m all in with e-readers.  My love for music also apparent as I still have a healthy CD collection.  Some days are neater than others.

It may sound bland, but it is my room.  It is where I do my best work.  Not just writing, but meditating, thinking, and finding focus.  Its where I’ve made tough decisions. It is perhaps where I’m most comfortable,  even when I’m uncomfortable.  Its where I felt safe enough to let myself fall apart, unknowingly to anyone else.  It is where I had fight to put myself together again.  It is where I am not afraid to be vulnerable.

All in all, I guess its not so hard to see why I write in my little room.  It is my comfort zone. All I need in my writing space is quiet, not even music playing in the background.  I just need to hear myself think, and feel.   I didn’t intend for it to be that way,  but things work out on their own.  I may find a new place to write, but for now, it is my space.

Writing 101 Day 6: Where do you write? Do you prefer blogging on your laptop in a coffee shop? Are you productive in a quiet room, door closed, away from civilization? Today, describe the space where you write.

Fall Trees


My favorite thing about fall…the leaves changing colors.

So representative of change.

After a hot summer, fall comes in brisk.

The leaves, they change color

And soon the trees will  be bare.

Soon after those trees will take a beating from winter.

Ice and snow from winter’s fury.

But before you know it, the trees will be full again.

Signifying change once again.

Just You

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
Dr. Seuss

There was a time when I would try to fit in.  I thought being like everyone else would make things easier.  It wasn’t easy, it was too much on me to be something  I wasn’t.

I remember trying to fit in the first few weeks of middle school.  I thought I was suppose to be like the other kids, and it would be easier to make friends, but I soon realized that I didn’t like some of my potential friends, and to continue the friendship would make things harder for me in long run.  They were outgoing, and boisterous.  I was quiet, laid back, easy-going, and far from outgoing.  I couldn’t keep that up long-term.  I couldn’t do it.

As I grew up, I had a hard time figuring out where I belong, so I’d often find myself amongst people like the kids from middle school.  It wasn’t on purpose, it was just the way things turned out.

By high school, I think I had found my niche.  I didn’t figure it out completely, but I was on my way.  I had a great group of friends.  Friends who just accepted me just the way I am.  Quiet, laid back and not a social butterfly. They knew I was never going to dress to be trendy, but for comfort.  They tease about my love for reading but with good fun.  They didn’t get offended when I didn’t go to a particular party, because they weren’t expecting me, but the surprise on their faces when I did show, made my discomfort worth it.

What I learned was, I’m a little different, but there is nothing wrong with that.  Things will fall into place.  I don’t have to be anyone but myself.  Friendships and relationships are stronger when your secure in who you are.  I am what I am and I feel no pressure to be anyone else.  I’m just me.

Writing 101 Day 5:  Hook em with a quote. Use a quote or passage from something you’ve read to introduce your post.