Bouncing Back

Last was just a rough week.  It was a week that had so much promise for me.  Things were looking up.  I had an  interview the week before at a great organization.  I was so confident about it.  I had years of experience and skills that they were looking for.  The rapport was great with the individuals who were interviewing me.  I was careful not come off over confident.  I’m not usually that optimistic, and a ball of nerves, but I’ve never felt as confident for a interview as a I did for this one. I thought this was a sure thing.

At the start of last week’s work week, I received a message that I did not get the job.  To call it disappointing would be understating it.  I felt sick.  I almost didn’t show up for my current job.  Dramatic, I know.  It was a hit to my confidence.  I spent the week replaying it in my mind, obsessing over every question, response, and facial expression.  I’m thankful for the numerous people who couldn’t believe I didn’t the job, who told me it was their loss, because girlfriend definitely needed a boost.

I wish I could of return from my blogging absence with better news, but I’m trying to bounce back from the hit my confidence took.  Many have said to me, I’ll “land where I’m suppose to be”.  I’m sure that is true, but it stings when it is so fresh.  Another experience, another lesson to learn from.

Social Media Clean Up

Recently, I’ve been leaning up my tumblr page.  It was something I started after I graduated college. Like many people, I posted gifs, memes and quotes.  I was never a regular poster, and popped in months at a time.  Still, its been interesting to read some of things I posted.  It seemed like, I was giving myself pep talks and encouragement through social media.

Just a brief sample:

I’m sure many people who graduated from college have this feeling at some point.

Don’t count on people and things to make you happy.

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Change is hard, but it is natural and normal, and often necessary.

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”

-Nora Roberts

Social media has been a prominent part of our culture since I graduated high school.  The beauty in social media is that you can see how much you have changed by something as simple as the things you post.  They may seem mundane at the time, but later on, they may very well, be part of a larger story.

My tumblr posts were a small trip into where I was at that time.  Alot has changed since I  reblogged those messages, but so much of  the message still applies.

 

Hiatus

Looks like I took a little blogging hiatus.  It wasn’t one I planned, but sometimes life gets the way.   Blogging is a challenging.    It is challenging when your busy.  It is challenging when your going through shit.  When your stressed and your emotions are everywhere.  It is challenging when you can’t decide if you want to share, and if so, how much.  It is a challenge to write about something other than what you are currently feeling.  It is a good kind of challenge because it is a challenge I make to myself.  Sometimes I rise to the the challenge, sometimes I back down, and the blog sits silent for days, and so we this little hiatus.

I hope I can get back to some form on consistency soon, but this is a start.

Weighing In

I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago.  It had been awhile since I stepped on the scale.  I don’t know how it happened, as I was nearly obsessed with weighing myself during the early part of my weight loss journey.  I eventually had to break up with the scale.  Didn’t like the mental games it played with me.

Fast forward to a few years, and perhaps before that.  I didn’t like the way I my clothes were fitting, but I ignored it for awhile.  I saw that I looked different in the mirror.  Then I ripped my pants not long ago, and pushed it aside, but I knew I had put on weight. I was 230 at my heaviest, and I’m conscious about never going back to that.  So I decided to weigh myself, just to get an idea of where I am.

After weighing myself, I decided to go back to basics.  I haven’t been in a good place emotionally, and I have always been an emotional eater.  So this part has been a struggle.  I am back to tracking my food, and exercise.  I am currently working on changing up my exercise to make it not only challenging, but fun again.

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Lucky, Unlucky

I noticed something was missing as soon as I starting walking down the steps of the subway.  My bank card wasn’t in its usual spot.  I continued to the platform, and searched my wallet.  Its possible I pushed it somewhere else in haste.  When I couldn’t find it in my wallet, I searched my purse.  Not there either.

I ran up the stairs of the subway.  Maybe I dropped it when I opened my wallet for my metrocard, I thought.  No such luck.  I went back up to the street, still unsure what I was going to do.  If I dropped my card on the street, what are the chances of finding it, on busy wall street, and who knows how long its been missing.

There was a bank near by.  I could have reported it missing, and gotten a new one issued there.  However, it was rush hour, and likely very busy.  I decided to take a chance.  I knew it was unlikely I would find it, but I had made up my mind.  I would retrace my steps, and call the bank and when I reached my earliest location.

Halfway into retracing my steps, I went into a building I bought snacks from earlier.  I checked the lobby of building, the stairs and escalator.  No sign of the card.  I took the escalator right up to the floor of the store.  As I approached the cashier, he asked me, “are you…..”.  I was thankful, relieved, and happy that I had some good luck thrown my way.   Relieved that I found it, and happy that I didn’t have to walk  back to where I started that afternoon.

I was resign to the thought that I would not find it.  When you have the kind of luck that I seem to, you tend to have low expectations. It was good to experience some good fortune.  It was fleeting.

The following day, on my way to work, I was getting in a cab, and heard a ripping sound.  The sound I was hearing was the sound of my pants ripping.  Pure embarrassment  Good luck, it was nice while it lasted

January Wrapped Up

It went fast didn’t it?

My plan was to originally post twice a week.  I have fallen short there, but I have managed to post once a week, which isn’t bad.  Its at the very least, consistent.  I’m still planning to add to that consistency.   I’m blown away by the visits my blog received on days there weren’t any new posts.  Talk about encouragement and a confidence boost.  Motivation to keep blogging.  It is very much appreciated.

I also started new things at work.  Where I once had a lot of idle to time to read blogs, comment, social media and toy with ideas, I am now very busy.  It is a good kind busy, but busy nonetheless.  Any free time or idle time I have, I rather just relax.

So, we’re out with January, and ready to see what February brings.

 

Going For It

One of my goals for the New Year was to do more of what scares me.  It is so much easier said that done.  It is so much easier, when your feeling optimistic, and upbeat.  I’ve made some purposeful strides in this area.  Some of which I hope to share later on.  What I’ve learned is, just because you’ve made a up your mind to do something, doesn’t make the fear go away.

I believed making up my mind wasn’t just the first step, it was the biggest step.  It now made it real.  This was going to happen now, because I am going to make this happen.  I’m not just saying it, I intend it. Still fear lingered, and doubt hovered.  I didn’t expect to feel so much fear and have so many doubts.  At first,  I thought they were legitimate reasons I created to justify some of my decisions.  But here I am, ready to go, and the voices of fear and doubt were ready to go with me.

Some of my fears may be legitimate, but I know that I’ll never know whats on the other side until I go after it.  Maybe fear is suppose to travel with me on this journey.  Maybe it is suppose to make me stronger, build character.  It is all new territory for me.  I’ve never been one to take much chances.  My fear of failing would leave me doing nothing.  So no more “what ifs” or “should haves”.  I’m going all the way.